Fancy taking a long and hard look into the mirror to confront the uncomfortable truth about our inner self?
For a start, this story may seem to be a simple and typical generational gap tale about the conflicts between a mother and her daughter.
Fortunately, that is not the case. However, be warned that this is going to make you very uncomfortable in more ways than one.
Maybe your personal circumstances are unlike any of the four women featured in this story. Perhaps your relationships with your parents or children aren’t in the same state as what’s depicted here. Or it could be that the place where you live in has an entirely different set of values and societal norms as compared to South Korea. However, these differences wouldn’t matter at all since the author skillfully crafted this story in such a way that the reader can empathize with the plight or situations which the key characters find themselves to be in, be it by choice or circumstances.
As I delved further into the book, it soon dawned on me that this story was like a mirror thrust right in front of my face and forced me to acknowledge that I do have double standards as well. Much as we would all like to see ourselves as being accepting and welcoming of so-called modern or advanced values, there is often a core value system we have within ourselves that we may not be comfortable sharing with others. Perhaps it is due to the fear of being seen as old-fashioned, prejudiced or simply discriminating. And depending on the issue at hand and the people involved, the values to be applied and your views will differ accordingly.
Initially, the lead character’s double standards when looking at the situation of her daughter Green and Jen i.e. the patient she was caring for, really irked me. On one hand, she felt that her daughter Green deserved better in life because “girls with far less desirable qualities get married and live comfortably” as compared to Green. On the other hand, she was very critical of Green’s life choices because they simply did not fit into the “standard formula of a so-called happy life” i.e. marriage, kids and a stable income. And her insistence at "setting things correct" as if they can be changed at will just simply infuriated me. I wondered why she didn’t see that her life didn't end up as ideal as she would have expected despite her being married and having a kid. And most certainly, one’s happiness shouldn’t be dependent on another person or determined by someone else's presence.
Likewise, the lead character seemed to be in awe of Jen’s life achievements before the latter got dementia which was very ironic because she had looked down on people who didn’t get married or have kids and chose to focus on their careers. If Green was in a better employment or career situation in life, would the lead character have minded so much that Green had an “atypical” partner? At the same time, while she admired Jen's achievements on the professional front, she was also critical of Jen’s situation on the private front towards the end of her life – alone with no kids and being stuck in a nursing home that had absolutely no intention of giving her the best care possible. As such, she kept wondering if Jen had followed the “normal course in life”, would Jen have ended up in a better place? Perhaps this fear that Green may end up in this same sorry state as Jen was what kept pushing the lead character over the edge as she tried to do what she thought was in Green's best interests.
One of the most memorable scenes in the book was when the lead character was lashing out at Lane for making her and Green’s life miserable. Right up till this point, I would say that I simply disliked her for imposing her own values on her daughter and tried to seek affirmation and validation in life through her daughter’s “success” in life. Then this scene showed the extent of the anger and frustration that she had accumulated about the situation and that’s when I started seeing the “other side” of the story. Perhaps her anger was justified after all. Then again, it was probably over the board at the same time and definitely wrong to be directing this fury at an innocent party.
The good thing out of this episode was, the realization actually worked two-fold here – both for the lead character and me as a reader. Not only did I get to understand her perspective better, it also made the lead character realize that there was more than meets the eye. There were aspects of Green’s relationship with Lane which she never understood or knew and until someone spelled it out for her, she could have continued to misunderstand what was going on.
Besides the double standards that we may apply on ourselves and others subconsciously, the other concept worth exploring was meaning.
I don’t mean lofty interpretations of this word but rather the meaning or value we attach to the things or people in our lives. What matters most to you may not be the same as others. Once you get critical and refuse to appreciate the fact that we have different ideas about meaning in life, you start to drive your own values down someone’s throat and make them accept your value system. Nobody likes it and yet we may be guilty of doing it to others in our own lives.
I’m not saying that the lead character is totally at fault here. It may be true that she is totally unaccepting of Green’s ideals and what she sees value in life. However, Green is also guilty of the same thing. She resists the ideas of traditional happiness imposed by her mother on her but isn’t she also trying to make her mother accept the so-called “modern world” values? Or why she jeopardizes her own well-being fighting for things which her mother sees no value in? From the sidelines, it’s easy to just say that they should thrash things out and communicate. That’s easier said than done because we ourselves may not be able to do the same in real life.
And this got me wondering, how guilty am I in doing the same to the people around me?
Despite the fact that I am neither a mother nor am entirely in the same situation as any of the main characters, it was easy to see how these discussions of differing standards, meaning and values applied to my own life. To be honest, there were some parts of the story which made me extremely uncomfortable in more ways than one as if I was the one being criticized. On the other hand, I appreciated the honest and hard questions being thrown at me because they got me reflecting and thinking about myself and others.
It may be true that we are usually seeking entertainment or fun while reading a book. This story though, does not fit into such a standard frame.
It challenges you to see things from another perspective.
It makes you think how you may have done the exact same thing to others just like what the key characters did to one another.
And more importantly, it brings about awareness. The presence of difference as well as respecting it while not necessarily accepting it.
Be sure to check this out and embark on a journey of self-reflection which can be uncomfortable yet liberating at the end.
